Many people believe that every person should seek a single soulmate, apart from whom they should need no one else. Many others believe that each person should have only one romantic partner, at least at one time. But others don’t think that a single individual can fulfill all of their relationship needs, and therefore they prefer having many partners.
Polyamory, or consensual nonmonogamy, is the practice of having multiple intimate relationships, whether sexual or just romantic, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. Polyamory is generally not gender-specific; anyone can have multiple partners of any gender.
At least one in five Americans has had a consensually nonmonogamous relationship at some point in their lives, and about one in 20 is in one right now. A growing body of research shows that partners in such relationships find their bonds to be just as satisfying and fulfilling as those of married people, and derive just as much happiness from them. But there are serious challenges as well: Polyamorous relationships demand openness, consent, trust, communication skills, clear boundaries, and mutual respect. Feelings of jealousy may arise, especially when a new partner joins the relationship, and debates over how to raise children can also disrupt connections.
What Is Polyamory?
Those who practice polyamory are not like those who practice swinging, which is a type of open relationship in which couples engage in non-committal, emotional-free swings. Although they are not the same thing, they are frequently mistaken for polygamy, or being married to multiple people simultaneously. Although polyamory also refers to a broader spectrum of partnerships, including heterosexual and LBGT ones, polygamy is precisely the marriage to multiple people of the opposite gender, most commonly a man and multiple wives.
Due to the stigma that it often attracts, polyamory is often practiced privately and may be kept secret even from close friends and family. At least one in four polyamorous individuals have experienced discrimination, according to the non-profit organization Loving More.
How Does Polyamory Work?
Some polyamorous people have a primary relationship and engage in casual hookups, but most begin secondary relationships with the consent of their primary partner, to whom they are generally married or committed. Introducing a secondary partner requires the primary couple to agree on a set of stipulations, such as date times and the type of intimacy allowed. Research has found that, despite the complications, polyamory offers benefits ranging from greater satisfaction and extra help with child care to increased relationship commitment.
The Benefits and Struggles of Polyamory
Studies on polyamorous partners reveal that they are, on average, at least as content with their relationships as other couples, which may explain why polyamorous partnerships are less frequent than others—not that people find them unpleasant. In fact, interest in polyamory is growing. Yet creating and sustaining a polyamorous relationship is extremely difficult. A mismatched desire for polyamory can upend many relationships, particularly when one partner views it as a lifestyle and the other as their sexual orientation. It can also be challenging to find a partner willing to enter a relationship with the same honesty and ground rules, particularly in a culture that encourages serial monogamy. This leads to the emergence of communities, usually online at first, where “poly” people can meet.
